Being Dead is No Excuse

Imagine my delight when I found this wonderfully funny book combining three of my obsessions: death, food, and The South.
Being Dead is No Excuse, written by Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hayes, is subtitled The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral.

Listen, I know it might seem a bit morbid, but I can't help it: death informs my life. The losses I've experienced have left their mark on my personality and I don't mind discussing it. Death is a part of life -- later than sooner, if we're lucky -- and yet I can't help feeling like it's often hovering about. What that means, for me, is that I try to communicate as best as I can to the people I know and love. I am never afraid to say "I love you," and I am happy to acknowledge good times while they're around, because, as we well know, they don't last forever.
One of the things I love about the South is the sense of community. For good or bad, there are towns with a tight-knit sense of belonging and roots, and that's something I don't really have, and probably wouldn't even do well with -- but I like my ideal version of it. The idea that you can live somewhere your whole life, and the old woman who lives down the street has known you since you were a baby, and knows your entire family. I'm sure that in reality I would find it oppressive, but there's some good to it, too. And the good aspects are covered in this book with grace and humor, talking about exactly how death is -- and has always been -- handled in the Mississippi Delta town of Greenville.
The ladies begin by saying that a death in the family is one of three opportunities in life for a Southerner to bring out all the good china and silver, and many a Southern lady has used silver polishing as a form of grief therapy while preparing to accomodate all of the family, friends, and neighbors who descend upon the deceased's house after the funeral. Now this is a big deal. And well it should be!
The traditions of Greenville are respectful to the dead and living, with the kind of humor that makes these times more bearable, like when the ladies discuss how they invariably get lost when trying to exit the cemetary after visiting a grave. They chortle, "This is a hard place to get out of."
On belonging to St. James' church in Greenville:
"In addition to the dignified ambience and many other attractive features, St. James' is right across the street from the old Greenville cemetery. Talk about location, location, location."
One Lola Belle Crittenden ("bless her heart") planted a huge hedge around her ancestral plot at the cemetary. Why? The neighbors. "They're so tacky," Lola Belle huffed.
Now that is funny.
If only we all had the support of such people in the worst times of need.
The boys and I recently went to visit my Mom's grave, and I'll be damned if it wasn't the hottest day of the summer, and we got lost in the cemetary because I could not find the grave. There we were, wandering around, sweating like you wouldn't believe, the boys all red-faced, and then they said they had to go pee. I still hadn't found Oma's grave, so I wasn't leaving, so I let them discreetly water a clump of trees -- no headstones within spraying vicinity! So, please don't think I'm disrespectful, and don't tell anyone in Greenville ("Yankees!").

We found Oma's resting place shortly after. By that time, there weren't many emotions left in me, so I nodded, said a little something in my mind, and we all piled back into the air-conditioned car and headed to our favorite Greek restaurant to get cold drinks and some food.

Food, food, food. In life and in death, it's got a central role. After my Mom's funeral, we all went to the church's community center and were fed the best fish I've ever eaten, along with skordalia and I-don't-remember-what-else. And it was the first meal I'd had in days -- I needed it.
The Greenville ladies talk about food and kindly supply all the recipes for everything you need to provide comfort to the living.

The Top Ten Funeral Foods
Tomato Aspic with Homemade Mayonnaise
Fried Chicken
Stuffed Eggs
Virginia's Butter Beans
Can't-die-without-it Caramel Cake
Homemade Rolls
Banana Nut Bread
Aunt Hebe's Coconut Cake
Methodist Party Potatoes
Tenderloin

The ladies supply details and recipes for these foods and many others, like Cheese Grits, Pickled Shrimp, and a Hot Mustard to go with the platter of deli ham that someone will bring.

Hot Mustard
1 cup dried mustard (Colman's preferred)
1 cup tarragon vinegar
1 cup sugar
3 eggs
Combine the mustard and vinegar, and soak overnight. Add the sugar. Beat the eggs and add them to the mixture. Cook in a double boiler over medium heat, stirring constantly until thick.
Keeps in the icebox for a long time...up to three months.
Makes about two cups.

And these dishes are made in the old-school tradition, but they're not complicated. The Homemade Mayonnaise makes use of a food processor. Each one sounds delicious. You know, if you're going to have to suffer, you may as well be surrounded by damned good food.
Finally, and most importantly, there's one particular line in the book that sums up its appeal to me, and that is, "If you can't find something to laugh about, you will end up crying."