My thoughts are starting to turn toward my trip to France, coming up mid-August. Wyatt's new passport arrived, and with luck, mine will this week. We're going to Paris and Aix-en-Provence, and will be there August 20, which will mark one year since the death of my Mother. The origin of the trip is slightly convoluted, but it has mainly been rooted in my continuing desire for escapism. All I can think of is going to Notre Dame on the 20th, where I want to sit quietly and reflect on this past year, and light a candle for her. It is my most-important task. The rest -- the sightseeing, the eating, and shopping, is all secondary to me, although it is a priority to make sure my son and mil have a beautiful experience. I am not a religious person, nor am I even particularly spiritual, but I feel compelled to make this gesture of remembrance for the most important woman in my life. She was Greek Orthodox, and their mourning tradition has it that you wear black for a year, and have remembrance services and markers throughout the first year and especially on that anniversary. It has been a complete struggle to get through this year, and as August 20th approaches, I think about what lies ahead. How will my life change now? For so much a part of 2005-2006, I have been simply hanging on. My cherished family physician counsels me that I am taking two steps forward and one step back. This, when I told him I felt like I was taking one step forward, two steps back. He thinks I'm making progress. And yet, just today, I stood and stared at a stack of ham for minutes, as I paused in making my son a sandwich, because I remembered how my Mom made him his first-ever ham sandwich. She was babysitting him, and he was two years old. She took a picture of him sitting in the high chair, a perfect, quartered ham sandwich in front of him. At the time, I thought, "Hm, I never thought to make him a ham sandwich." And today, well, you can imagine what I thought.
Well, so maybe after Notre Dame, Wyatt and I will go get a ham sandwich together.
3 comments:
That's really beautiful, G.
I hope you get to fulfill your one wish on that trip. I'm glad you're going.
love,
ilana
God Lisa, I can't believe it's nearly been a year. I will be thinking of you & your mum that day too. I can't help thinking how strong you seem to have been. I know that people only show others what they want them to see, but reading this post really brought a lump to my throat. It's funny how when you read people's threads on the forum about everyday things, you just don't know what someone is really going through. Lisa I really feel for you. My mum recently had quite a serious health scare and I was beside myself. Thank God, she is OK and it did just turn out to be a scare but for a few weeks I did not know what to do with myself, expecting the worst. The way you have coped and stayed strong for the boys is really an inspiration. I don't think I would do as well as you in the same circumstance.
I think that going to Notre Dame is a beautiful way to mark the first anniversary of your mum's death. Will be thinking of you.
xxx
I never thought a ham sandwich would cause me to shed tears...
I too will be thinking of you on the 20th. You are an amazing mother, wife, friend. Your dear mom would have been so proud of you!
xxx
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